A Girl Trying To Find A Perfect Man...

( Who is Erica Wheeler? Well, wouldn't you like to know? )

Later this afternoon, Bryan and I are flying out of Portland to go visit my family in San Francisco for a little over a week. We've been planning this trip for awhile, and I think it'll be so great to see the fireworks out over the bay this year. I always go out there in the summertime when I don't have to be at school, but this year is special because I haven't seen my sisters since my engagement, and they've definitely never seen me pregnant. I was at home at least part of the time to see each of them pregnant, but it's a first for me.

My doctor says that it's perfectly safe for me to fly. I was worried for awhile, because I feel like I'm getting huge and I definitely don't want to go into labor on the plane. But Dr. Switzenberg says I'm fine, and a flight should be fine. It's a good thing, too, since we're flying out this afternoon. We're going to spend what's left of the holiday weekend with my parents, and I'll get to introduce Bryan to my sisters.

I love summer vacation.

I've had varying feelings about having a baby since I first learned that I was pregnant. For one thing, I wasn't actually sure that I'd be a good mother or not. That's still not something I know for sure, but I know that there was a time when I knew I never wanted to have kids. That was a point of contention between my ex-husband and me. He left me because I didn't want to have children, and when I found out I was pregnant, I still wasn't sure that I even wanted to be a mother.

I guess I just didn't care to have Oliver's kids.

We've started telling people, and I'm already five months along, so it's strange to a lot of people why we waited so long to get on that. Bryan and I read up on the pregnancy stuff together, and a lot of women seem to start telling people about their pregnancy after the first trimester is over. That's the time it takes to feel more confident that the pregnancy will be normal, I guess. Well, I wasn't comfortable with the idea then. Don't get me wrong, I was coming around to it, but I didn't really know what I was going to do. It doesn't make much sense to tell people about an unwanted pregnancy, does it?

But, I'm going to get huge, and since I'm a pretty tiny person, it's not going to go unnoticed, so that's why you lovely people are hearing about it now.

Letting people know about the pregnancy has been an emotional rollercoaster all on its own. My mother took one look at me and could tell (I have NO EARTHLY IDEA how she did it, but I know that I'd be offended if she called me out on something like that and I wasn't pregnant -- yes Mom, I can see that I'm starting to get a tummy, so please don't remind me). Most people have been happy for us, and at least one bitch had the audacity to imply that Bry and I are getting married because he knocked me up. Her words, not mine. Well, I know how it looks, but it's really not like that. We're going to get married because we love each other. We just so happen to get to share that love with a little one soon.

It's still really scary, though.

( Private-ish )

It seems like it's been forever since we had a new episode of Grey's Anatomy. When I found out that tonight's was new after... jeez, like a month of repeats? There was no way that I was going to tempt fate and let the DVR handle it. Takeout from Teddy's -- loaded bacon cheddar fries among them, obviously -- fuzzy blanket, and my ass glued to that couch, watching my TV.

The thing I love about this show the most is just how ridiculous it is. Sure, there are plenty of adults in this world who constantly act like children, but for everyone's sake, I really hope that they don't all work in the same hospital. They spend most of their time having sex, talking about sex, fixating on sex... oh, and they manage to save some lives occasionally.

It cracks me up. It's sure as hell not reality, but I think that's why I like it so much. Besides, drama is so much more fun to watch on television than experience in real life. Watching ridiculous dramas on TV makes anything I've ever experienced in person seem like a walk in the park.

Tomorrow morning, I'll be heading off toward the airport to go home for Christmas. I'm taking a bus into Portland, then flying to San Francisco from there. It shouldn't take too long, and I'm already looking forward to spending some time with my family. My sister, Casey, won't be in town until Friday morning, since it's the earliest she could wrangle her kids and husband into town. Libby still lives in town, so she'll be here and there and everywhere once I get there. She may even be the one to pick me up from the airport.

I wasn't originally going to spend a whole week in California this Christmas, but it only makes sense to do so when I have so much time off for Winter Break. I don't have to do any grading, or plan any projects for next semester, so I'm a bit more free to do the things I'd like to do. I know that if I stay much longer than a week, my sisters and I will start to get on each other's nerves, and I'd really like to avoid that if possible.

I'm going to spend some time with my dad at the theater while I'm home. I told him some about our little community theater project, which has hit some slight financial snags but is still going to go ahead. We're going to start casting in January, after New Year's but also before school gets started back up for the spring semester so I can still give it my full attention.

Really, it needs to be time for me to be in San Francisco right now. Missing out on Thanksgiving at home because of stupid financial and airplane issues was just plane stupid. The way I spent the holiday wasn't stupid, of course -- that McGuiness crowd showed me how to do it right -- but I just really needed some time back home with my parents and my sisters. I don't get down there nearly often enough.

When I was a little girl, my dad used to pile our whole family into the car and drive around the neighborhoods at night to look at all the Christmas decorations. Sometimes we did it on my birthday, after going out somewhere special for dinner. There was this little nostalgia restaurant - Liberty Diner - that was this round, silver tin can little place that was decorated like old 1950s diners, and they always decorated for Christmas, too. You know those tacky plastic light-up Santas? They had two of them inside. The counter was lined with tinsel and I'm pretty sure all the employees had those little felt stockings with their names drawn on in puffy paint.

After we ate, we'd drive around. Because I was the littlest, I had to sit in the middle seat. Libby and Casey got to sit by the windows, and I was always leaning over one or the other to try to see the light displays in the subdivisions. We'd fog up the windows by pressing our faces up against them to get the best views, and then we'd draw in the condensation with our fingers, playing tic-tac-toe and making stick figures.

I spent the afternoon putting lights up on my house. Even though it's a pain in the ass getting them up in the gutters, I do it every year. The whole nine yards, too. Roof top, porch, even the trees out front. Christmas lights just make me happy.

A few of my friends and I are going out to the bar at Teddy's for dinner and drinks for my birthday tonight. Anyone's welcome to join, especially if you'd like to spend your money to get me a birthday drink.

In honor of the Harry Potter movie premiere this weekend, there is going to be some awesome stuff going down at Heritage Elementary. I was on the planning committee, and we've been planning this all month long, but I really just can't get over how awesome it's going to be. Sometimes I get kind of wary about big events like this at school, because sure, they're lots of fun, but there's not always the crowd control to pull them off without a hitch.

But HARRY POTTER DAY! It's going to be great!

They've re-named all the foods in the cafeteria. Muggle Milk, Gryffindor Grilled Cheese, Slytherin Salad, Treacle Tots (okay, so that made me want to try a treacle tart, Harry's favorite dessert. I don't really think it fits with the deep-fried potatoes, but whatever)... I can't remember the others, except that for a treat, they're going to dip red licorice in almond bark to make wands.

The teachers have pre-sorted all the kids into houses, but they're still going to have a Sorting Hat ceremony to divide the kids up into groups for all the stations. Herbology in the science classroom, a modified, Capture the Snitch (like Capture the Flag) in the play field outside. The principal is dressing up as Professor Trelawney and offering tasty herbal tea for the kids to practice their divination and reading tea leaves. And my personal favorite, Defense Against the Dark Arts -- well, it's not really related to the way things are in the books, but it's Art time for the kids. They're all bringing t-shirts and we're going to tie-dye them with their 'House Colors' and each kid is going to get to decorate their very own Sorcerer's Stone.

I have my costume ready. I think I'm more excited about this than I was about Halloween.

Looking at the different posts on this community, I know everybody's talking about the fact that it's November. Well shit. I was going to try to break that streak, but... well... I've already messed that up. Halloween is kind of the kickoff to the holiday season, I think. Probably because all of the stores everywhere are just pressing their backs against the wall trying to keep the onslaught of Christmas decorations and holiday commercials from bursting through in a big ol' flood to drown us all. You're welcome, America. Christmas is coming.

I am just going to keep on enjoying autumn. I love the way it smells when the leaves start turning colors and the rains come. The world just feels a bit more real this time of year. Not super sunny and plastic and bikini-clad like summertime. Not untouchable and freezing covered in snow like winter. Just earthy and great-smelling and wonderful. Did any of you see the mist out in the woods this morning? That's just gorgeous. I'm pretty sure this is the only time of year that I've seen something like that.

The interest in our little theater project has been overwhelming! We've picked out a script and we've even nailed down a venue. I'm going to try to organize a meeting next weekend so we can get crews organized and auditions set up. Maybe it's this project that's making me feel so much more alive this autumn. Not just the trees, but the rest of it, too.

When I was younger, I think college-age or shortly after, I liked to go to bars alone and pretend to be a mysterious stranger... you know, like the old film stars who oozed class and charm with that effortless way about them. It was always fun to pretend I could be like that, even if it was just for an afternoon. Pretend that I could be someone else for a little while. I tried it again when I was freshly-divorced, though it didn't quite feel the same.

I've just been thinking of it recently again, because Bryan's got me thinking about our little community theater project. The acting bug bit me a long time ago, and it's still there, refusing to let me forget about it. I just think it would be amazing and wonderful to get a whole group of folks from around town together to put on some kind of production, especially people who've never had the chance to do any kind of acting before.

Anyone interested? Because it's happening. Details will be forthcoming.

Two weeks.

Only two weeks left of school and then I can relax for a bit. I need to get out of here for awhile. Stretch my legs, see some new places, maybe take a trip. I'm already going to San Francisco for a little while. My parents want me to visit, and I've got a little money saved up, so I'll go down there, perhaps for a week. Any less, and it won't feel like I've been there long enough, and any more I might just feel like strangling my sisters. But, aside from San Francisco, I want to go somewhere new.

Have you ever entertained the idea of being someone beautiful and mysterious in a brand new place where no one knows you? I just think it'd be kind of exciting, you know? Pretend to be someone else and just indulge in a little bit of escapism? I've never felt trapped in this town. I moved here by choice because I loved it, and I still do. Because I just keep realizing that this town is very very small and that's not necessarily a good thing. There's only so much to see and do. I know that all summer long, I'll see students around town. They get excited, and it's kind of cute.

I want to be able to act like a grown up for a little while, but that doesn't mean I want to just sit here and feel stuck. I want to do something fantastic and crazy. I don't believe that when you grow up and get married you have a family and settle down and stop moving, but I think that's crap.

I think it just might be one of those days today.

My sister, Casey, called to tell me that she's leaving her husband of three years. She's leaving him... for her dentist. Apparently they fell in love or some such crap. I knew they were having troubles with their marriage, but I definitely did not know she was cheating on him, or thinking of ending things at all. Another point scored against the sanctity of marriage, I guess. I'm sure she told Libby about it, though. Maybe I'm just not as close to my sisters as I thought I was. But then again, I do live in the middle of East Jesus Nowhere and they both still live in San Francisco. It makes sense for them to be closer.

Sigh.

My focus has been lacking big time. I was mixing up tempera paint from powder today for my classes early next week, and I was about two-thirds of the way finished when I realized I had the powder-water ratios all off. That'll be fun to explain when I have to submit orders to replace the paint I ruined. That stuff's not cheap.

Maybe I just need something to take my mind off of things? Maybe some new music? I realized that all the CDs in my car are from the same three artists. Way to go, Erica. If variety is the spice of life, I'm pretty sure that makes me about as vanilla as they come at the moment.

I have a feeling that as soon as I break out the warm weather clothes, another good frost is going to sweep in and I'll be reaching for the sweaters again. In a place like this, layers are your friend. Of course, that just means several layers' worth of clothes get paint on them. Or clay. Right now, the kindergarteners are working with red clay, which is a cool idea in theory, but they get grubby red fingerprints everywhere. That stuff sticks around and lurks in places that are tricky to see, like on the edges of tables. Ugh.

The coffee shop in town just got a new distributor or some such nonsense, so they no longer have the Ginger Peach Ceylon tea I loved. The cute little coffee shop girl suggested I try the mango instead, but I'm allergic. Go figure. So my condolences go out to any other Ginger Peach Ceylon fans. I considered wearing black and mourning a bit, but there are so many colors that are more flattering, and I'd rather not let my wardrobe influence my mood, unless it's in a positive way.

I'm thinking of getting out and going hiking though, maybe this weekend since it's supposed to be nice. I'm not typically outdoorsy by any means, but I think it would be good for me. I've cooped myself up all winter, but now I don't really have any reason to avoid going out, do I? Besides, trying something new never hurt anyone.

( Maybe some sunshiney music to get me in a good mood and keep me there. )

I just don't understand people. Or maybe, people don't understand me.

Why are people threatened by a woman who speaks her mind? Just because I don't fall all over myself or bend over backwards to please people, that makes me a bitch. People just seem to generalize and make snap judgements. I'm not surprised by this, actually, because it's the same stupid schoolyard rules that some of my elementary school students use. It's slightly excusable for them because they're actually children, as opposed to adults who act like children.

Wow, it's only 6:30 and already I'm this grumpy. I'm not going to let this ruin my day.

Can I just say thank the fucking stars for Starbucks Frappuccinos? Those little ones that come in the bottles they sell in gas stations? It tastes more like a milkshake than coffee, and is therefore completely worth getting out of bed in the morning. I've got to get to work early and demolish some copies of the Heritage Herald.

For art project purposes, that is. Because the fourth graders are studying African animals and they're making papier mache masks. Not because I'm annoyed at a certain member of the Herald staff...

Well hello there. I figured I'd post something in this thing, since apparently I'm behind on the times with all things internetty. Believe me, I can email like a pro, but this online journal thing? I thought I'd try it out. Maybe somebody's interested in my thoughts. I'm interested in writing about them, so I guess that's what matters most, right?

I'm Erica. I've lived here for a few years, long enough to know my way around but not long enough to know (or care) about everybody's dirty laundry.

I teach art, and I love my job. I haven't always been a teacher, but what I did before that doesn't really matter anymore, because this is what I love. Right now, my students are learning about Van Gogh. We're listening to a loop of the song 'Vincent' by Don McLean (who did, in fact, sing more songs than just 'American Pie' by the way), and the kids are using paint and oil pastels to create their own versions of Van Gogh's painting The Starry Night.

( Starry, starry night... paint your palette blue and gray )